The road not taken

Driving instructor: Good morning Mrs. Smith. You want to sign up for some lessons, I believe?

Mrs. Smith: That's right, yes.

Driving instructor: Great. OK, if we could first of all just....

Mr. Smith [muttering]: Bloody waste of time.

[Pause]

Driving instructor: I'm sorry?

Mr. Smith [loudly and challengingly]: I said: “Bloody waste of time”!

Mrs. Smith: Darling, we agreed that...

Mr. Smith: “Agreed”? Ha! I didn't agree anything. You didn't give me a chance. You just decided. [Muttering] I never get a say in anything any more.

Mrs. Smith: Darling, we agreed that I'd do this.

Mr. Smith: Yes yes. All right. Don't go on.

[Pause]

Mrs. Smith [to the instructor]: So where do I sign?

Driving instructor: If you could...

Mr. Smith: Are you saying I can't drive?

Mrs. Smith: Of course not, but...

Mr. Smith: Then why do you have to learn now? After all these years? You remember the last time you tried? It was a disaster. A disastrous adventure. You were a laughing stock.

Mrs. Smith: Look that was decades ago. We weren't even married. You could drive, everyone else could drive and I thought I should try.

Mr. Smith: You broke down. In a big wood.

Mrs.Smith: I know.

Mr. Smith: I had to come and get you.

Mrs. Smith: Yes. And even though I'd turned you down loads of times, and again just shortly before, you proposed again, just before you agreed to pay for the pick up van to come. Do you remember?

Mr. Smith: I do, yes. And inexplicably you caught malaria, if I recall.

Mrs. Smith: That was odd, wasn't it? Anyway. The main thing I still don't understand is why those nice boys from the village who came to assist me turned so nasty. They seemed happy to help at first. They even brought me sandwiches. Everyone breaks down sometimes and they could so easily have given me a jump start. They had the leads and everything.

[Pause]

Mrs. Smith: You didn't have anything to do with that did you?

Mr. Smith: I most certainly did not.

Mrs. Smith: Didn't threaten them at all, warn them not to help me? Just to ensure it would be the disaster that it turned out to be?

Mr. Smith: Of course not!

[Pause]

Mrs. Smith: OK.

[Pause]

Mrs. Smith : Well. [Briskly] Anyway. That was all a long while ago. It's time I learned now.

Mr. Smith: But what about me? I'll be left with the family Bentley and just me in it.

Mrs. Smith: Look. I've told you before. It's ridiculous that we've hung on to that for so long. It was always too expensive for us anyway. I know it's been in your family for ages but it's too much for us to manage. You know the big end's about to go and I don't see we can afford to replace it. The whole things so old and rickety now anyway. It's an embarrassment. As it is, I've had to cut back on other things I'd much prefer to spend money on, just to pay to patch up the paintwork.

[Pause]

Mrs. Smith: I know it was useful when the boys were little. But since they grew up and left home it's been pointlessly big for the two of us.

[Pause]

Mr. Smith: I just like the way everyone looks at us when we drive past in it. You can see the admiration in their faces.

Mrs. Smith: I don't think that's admiration.

Mr. Smith: Well I think it is. And what about the Neighbourhood Watch Committee? The only reason they let me on that is because I can drive them about in the Bentley. If I didn't have the Bentley they'd never let me on automatically.

Mrs. Smith: You and that Committee. That's all you seem to think about. I honestly don't give a monkey's. I much prefer the big, full meetings where everyone gets a say. I'd not be so sure that it wouldn't be a good thing if you didn't just started taking the bus to the meetings like everyone else rather than swan around with your fancy committee friends. That time  Mr. Dandy...

Mr Smith: Dando, surely?

Mrs. Smith: No. That wouldn't work. Mr Dandy persuaded you to drive around with him trying to find those boys you thought were going to throw bricks through the church windows. Everyone else told you not to.

Mr. Smith: Not everyone.

Mrs. Smith: Nearly everyone.

Mr. Smith: Yes all right.

Mrs Smith: And you took those baseball bats that Mr. Dandy had handy.

Mr. Smith: Yes yes. Ok.

Mrs Smith: And you found the boys and gave them a good thumping. Only by mistake, and in the dark, you'd got the wrong boys. And their friends. And sisters.

[Pause]

Mrs. Smith: And the right boys went and put in the windows of the Shelter shop in the High Street when you were otherwise occupied.
Mrs Smith: And the boys' pals, from the other villages, when they heard about what you'd done, were furious. And they're threatening to break the windows of more churches than you and Mr. Dandy have ever seen.
[Pause]
Mrs. Smith: Did you ever find any bricks on the first lot of boys?

Mr. Smith: I said ok! And it wasn't just me and Mr. Dandy. There was Mr. Kowalski, Mr. Rossi, Mr. Takahashi...

Mrs. Smith: Oh come on. It was you and Mr. Dandy and you know it was. Mr. Kowalski just wiped your windscreen before you left. Mr. Takahashi shut the garage door behind you. 

Mr. Smith: There was Mr. Islands too.

Mrs. Smith: Mr. Marshall Islands?

Mr. Smith: Yes.

Mrs. Smith: I'm telling you there's something fishy about Marshall Islands. I've never seen him and Mr. Dandy in a room at the same time.

Mr. Smith: But I still don't understand. We've always loved our Sunday drives.

Mrs. Smith: I know we have darling. But we always went where you wanted to go. And you always drive so fast. I'd like to drive where I want to go, take my time, see the scenery. Maybe go with my friends now and again.

Mr. Smith: You'll be swanning around with that bloody Abellona no doubt.

Mrs. Smith: Maybe. Sometimes her, sometimes others, sometimes just me. I don't see why you dislike my friends so much.

Mr. Smith: We managed fine without them for long enough.

Mrs. Smith: I know darling. And you and I can still go for drives together but when we both want to go, at the same time, to the same place. When we don't, we can do our own thing. The best of both worlds, if you will.

[Pause]

Mr. Smith: I suppose so.

[Pause]

Mr. Smith: But you don't even have a car.

Mrs. Smith: But I explained all this. I've worked it all out. I don't need a Bentley. I don't want a Bentley. I don't want a big car to impress the neighbours. I just want a car that will get me safely and comfortably from A to B, so that I can do what I really want to be doing, what I enjoy and what'll be useful and worthwhile.  I've no interest in driving just for the sake of driving. Having my own car will mean I can get a job and I'll be able to earn more than enough to pay for the car. I'll learn to drive first then get the loan to buy the car. I'll be able to pay the loan off in a couple of years.

Mr. Smith: Are you sure you'll get a loan?

Mrs. Smith: Yes. I've checked.

Mr. Smith: Are you sure you can afford it?

Mrs. Smith: Yes. I've checked.

[Pause]

Mr. Smith: What if you can't?

Mrs. Smith: I can. I've checked.

[Pause]

Mr. Smith: What's your Plan B?

[Pause]

Mrs. Smith: What?

Mr. Smith: Never mind. 

[Pause]

Mr. Smith: Mr. Garcia and Mr. Peeters will never allow you to park in the golf club car park if that's what you're thinking you'll do. They've got their own wives to keep in check. I know. They told me.

Mrs. Smith: Oh they're just being polite to you. I really don't think they'll stop me when push comes to shove, darling. I've been a paying member of the club for 30 years and they need the money. Besides, I don't think they can just kick me out. So.

[Pause]

Mrs. Smith: Darling?

[Pause]

Mrs. Smith: Good. [To the driving instructor] So how much do I owe you?

Driving instructor: £180 please.

Mr. Smith: Her cheque'll bounce.

Mrs. Smith: I'll be paying cash.